weighed downThis week, things have been way too serious for me. I feel so weighed down with so many negatives that I need to lighten up a bit.

So, let’s look at a pretty crappy subject for a change……..

Self-flushing toilets!

No need to thank me. It’s my pleasure to discuss such things.

You’re probably thinking “you’ve got to be kidding me!” but I kid you not. 

shockThe topic of flushing has long been talked about in nearly every office across the country ever since the flush button was invented. Not to mention every cleaner who has ever had to clean the bathrooms of a public place, for example a shopping centre or a club. I’m sure they could tell you some reeking stories or show you some outrageous photos. I was privileged to lay eyes on one last weekend.

Thanks dear sick friend. I’ve had nightmares ever since!

flush buttonThe building where our office used to be had manual flushing toilets. No fancy fang dangle turd pools for us. We had to do hard manual labour out on the floor and in private. It was hard going I can tell you. Every now and then, a polite email would get circulated around the office kindly reminding everyone what the little button on the top of the white ceramic box was for and how to get it to work.

One can never be too careful in assuming everyone knows how to make the water swirl the contents away.

disgustedOccasionally, no actually, quite often it was very easy to tell what the previous person had created. Just in case you weren’t aware of the way out for the debris, there would be a colourful indicator showing the way it went, or at least where it landed. Blind Freddy could see which toilet it was because there would be a line-up in the bathroom while one cubicle seemed suspiciously free.

Again, a polite email would be distributed around the office describing how to use the odd-looking brush sitting on the floor behind the toilet.

Many people, obviously, weren’t very dunny-smart.

SD006TThe lessons on bathroom etiquette and manners were given on a regular basis. So much so that if you saw the word “toilet” in the subject line, you didn’t need to read it. Your masterly refined skills at deciphering emails by subject alone would kick in and instantly there would be no mystery waiting for you. The interest you had in the email vanished and you would continue about your day as if it never happened.

We thought our prayers had been answered when our office was moved to a new building. It was evil toiletexciting because the bathroom consisted of self-flushing toilets! Yay, no more having to look at others’ leavings because they forgot to flush. No more annoying emails. We now had fancy fang dangle turd pools which would make sure the contents were always sent on their way.

That was over three years ago.

Now, you might be thinking “I wish I had a self-flushing toilet”, but let me tell you that I hate them. They are evil and the person who invented them needs to be shot. No, that’s a bit extreme. But a firm talking to wouldn’t hurt!

sensorI’m sure there are other brands of self-flushing toilets out there, and I’m sure they behave themselves for their humans, and I might be on my own in saying this, but the ones in my work’s building are possessed. I’m almost certain of it.

Self-flushing loos operate via sensors. The idea is when you finish and stand up, it flushes. If only things worked as efficiently in practice as it does in theory. In real life, if you sit wrong, it flushes; if you lean forward for any reason, it flushes; if you move your butt slightly, it flushes. Interestingly, if you stand up, it requires a series of star jumps, hand waving and stepping before it flushes!

Anyone participating in Steptember (a charity for kids with Cerebral Palsy) could probably rack up about 100 steps or so just in one of our toilet cubicles!steptember-logo-1

When a self-flushing toilet decides to have a breakdown, it does it with drama. It’s not a simple call to the plumber. An electrician is also needed for these humble abodes. Any extra dollars in the bank may just be donated to the self-flushing fund.

not-ecoIn my opinion, they aren’t very green because self-flushers, I’ve noticed, flush for longer and use more water than needed when swishing away anything your body excretes. They also require electricity in order to effectively do their job. So hopefully, our office never experiences a blackout. Essentially, self-flushers are environmentally unfriendly with water and electricity usage. They simply are not as efficient or useful as hand basins with the auto on/off sensor for the tap. With advances in technology comes extra costs. Might be easier (depending on the brand) but it definitely isn’t cheaper. We each are going to need better paying jobs in the future, me thinks.lucky toilet paper

Answering the call of nature has never been so technical, complicated and costly. I thank my lucky toilet paper that this type of “luxury” isn’t widespread.

This blog is dedicated to wet butts everywhere. May your toilet not flush and splash mid-bodily-function!dear auto toilet

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