(Please note, this is not my entire diary entry, date hasn’t been included, and highlights what goes on in the mind for a lot of people experiencing mental health concerns)


JULY 2019

Nothing in life is guaranteed. That, I know.

You know nothing of where you’ll be in ten years’ time despite having a plan of where you want to be. So many unpredictables. There’s information which you’re not even aware you don’t know which could influence your decisions and life’s directions, good or bad.

There is a solution for everything. It just might be a hard road to find it.

Well, that’s what we’re told anyway. I believe it. Sometimes.

Life has dished me more than my fair share of troubles.

Life can be cruel.

People can be cruel.

© Copyright 2019 Allison Rose Clark

Some people have betrayed me of which I felt their stabbing deep in my heart.

Sometimes, my so-called friends talked about going out together in front of me but never extended an invitation to me. When you’re the only one in the group never included, the feeling of rejection is crushing.

Best friends, good friends and people who I thought knew me but turned out they didn’t at all. People who said they loved me. People who said they’d be loyal to me. People who I called family.

The word “love” is just that. A word. Means nothing to some. It’s something they throw around like confetti, blown away in the wind. Only ridicule, judgement, and oppression.

Have an opinion of my own? How dare I express it!

Stand up for myself? How aggressive of me!

Put myself first? How selfish of me!

Does anyone even know what being a “true friend” really means these days, or what it looks like in action?

How about generosity? How about not expecting something in return? How about keeping promises? How about not believing the first bad thing you hear about your friends?

Where does forgiveness fit in? Or saying sorry? Where is the respect, acceptance, tolerance and non-judgementalness these people claim to practice? Why does everything have to be measured against their ruler of acceptable?

Subtleness can be interpreted as passive-aggressive. Are they fools in believing I wouldn’t notice? Am I a fool to believe people are who they appear to be? Maybe we are all fools.

These last few weeks, have been extremely hard for me to pick myself up. I can’t seem to shake this black cloud. It’s not just the one thing that’s undone me. It’s years of abuse, lies, being used, taken advantage of, being made scapegoat, hated for no reason. It’s the family and friends who claimed to love me. It’s the silence of hidden truth to save their own skin. It’s my misguided and misjudged trust in people. It’s the repeated mistreatment. Life has dished me so many things I never asked for – sexual abuse, domestic violence, betrayal. Just when I think my life is getting brighter, BAM!!! If this is one of life’s jokes, I’m not laughing.

I’m not coping with life.

I feel like a fraud on every level.

Life is not a friend of mine right now.


Please be rest assured this isn’t a recent diary entry. I have been receiving treatment for a long time, have a wonderful support system, and resources available to me. I’m not at risk of harming myself or anything like that. I’m in a good place 🙂

What I am doing, though, is highlighting mental health as the serious condition that it is. How it affects people is different from person to person. For some people, it’s short-lived. But for many, it’s unrelenting, tormenting, and exhausting.

So, if you know someone who is experiencing mental health concerns, reach out to them. Ask them if they’re ok (not only on “Are You OK? Day”). Let them know someone cares. And if you are experiencing this condition, please reach out to someone. Don’t stay silent. People do care.

It’s ok not to be ok.

Talking is the number one way of helping to prevent suicide, so talk to them. Talk to someone.

If you, or someone you know, is at risk of suicide, please seek assistance.

Following are some important numbers you can access in Australia. Check out their websites as some offer online chat, text service, or both.

Emergency                                         000                     24/7                   Phone

Emergency TTY                                  106                        24/7         Phone For hearing and speech impaired

Lifeline                                                 13 11 14               24/7                     Online chat and text

Beyond Blue                                       1300 22 4636       24/7                       Online chat

Suicide Call Back Service               1300 659 467     24/7                       Online counselling

MensLine                                 1300 78 99 78    24/7                       Online counselling

Qlife (LGBT)                                      1800 184 527    3pm-midnight    Web chat

Kids Helpline (ages 5-25)               1800 55 1800      24/7                       Online chat

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